Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
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DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
just gave your address to some spiders
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔