A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person