Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I wanna be friends with this person
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password