Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!