INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Great Canadian literature.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Smells like a challenge to me
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.