If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
According to math, I’m broke
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.