“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell