My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
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I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
the Monday after daylight savings
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.