Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
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Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I unironically love this joke.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie