Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome