Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .