Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Traveler’s camo
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.