the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
yeah not falling for this one
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭