ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My typo game is string.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.