With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.