My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”