“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.