Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Buck naked
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.