Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.