When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The news in a nutshell.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
can’t catch a break
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils