Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.