me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
never compromise your values
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that