Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?