[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
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*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.