*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day