BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I feel attacked.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.