When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
monday
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that