“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.