I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Nice try, poison.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.