I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
You Might Also Like
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I have so many questions.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”