(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
me
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!