Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.