a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”