[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
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Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.