What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper