Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover