My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Cat.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I did not eat the cake…
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
we’re dead?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.