I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
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Miscakes
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken