I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
You Might Also Like
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.