[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
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Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.