I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.