[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The fall of Netflix
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.