Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.