90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Mmmm canned fish.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.