If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
wish me luck lads
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!