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I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
titanic
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.