A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.