Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st