[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I put the hot in psychotic.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!