me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese